And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
