I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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