so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
