He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
