Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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