She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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