If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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