I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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