You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
