My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
