every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
