Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
