I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
