Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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