even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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