I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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