After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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