He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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