my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
