JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
