She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
