Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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