Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
