I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Semen is not good for contacts.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
