I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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