Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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