chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
