so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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