Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
