Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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