i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
