Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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