I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
