I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
