He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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