Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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