his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
