You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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