i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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