I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
pop tarts are not kleenex
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
