I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
