I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
This baby is an asshole
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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