I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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