Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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