You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
All I want is dick and wine.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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