i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
