I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
