Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
