I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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