the condom got lost in my hair
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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