made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
