i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
