Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you didnt know i had herpes?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Boobs speak an international language.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
