i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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