Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Blood and glitter go together right?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
