I cannot find my penis.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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