i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
