Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I wear drunk well.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
