I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
